my MIL
I guess I am more or less journalling here, so pardon me as this might be kind of boring.
I have had issues with my MIL pretty much from day 1. at my wedding she exhibited bizarre, socially wierd behaviour. A few things that come to mind: she asked my mother if she could help, then when my mom was going to take her up on her offer to help, she retracted. She actually said "Candice said this was how much this was going to cost and this is our portion..."in front of all of my guests. I was completely embarassed.
I have seen her commit a number of fau paux over the years that I still cringe when I think of them. They do bother me. I don't find her very intelligent and she is so "mouse" like, yet she is not.
My MIL is WAY passive aggressive. I think its because she was taught that being angry was not an acceptable emotion for "ladies" to have. "nice" ladies didn't have anger, they stuffed it. and boy she is good at stuffing it.
A few wierd things that they have done to me since we married:
the first Christmas we spent at their house, they have this tradition of taking thier children out for breakfast to see how they are doing. I was pregnant with number 1, had no particular desire to spend any time with them, but the invitation was never extended to me and they took my dh out for dinner. weird and inappropriate. it seems that they have never seen us as our own family. even before children they never respected us as a couple with autonomy. It drove me crazy. dh reacted by telling them nothing at all about his life. I think that hurt my MILs feelings and was happy to have me filling her in. Now I have no desire to fill her in. in fact, I don't even want to talk to her.
The most recent events in our rocky relationship. They invited us overseas with them. I was unsure if I was willing to haul two small children on an 24 hour journey. I said I wasn't sure. My MIL proceeded to make a comment to the effect of "whether or not we will show up", in fact she managed to say this to me indirectly, not once, but twice. She also expressed displeasure at the fact that I was gone while they were here on one of their self invitation times, even though I stated that I had previously had other plans that might potentially take me away while they were here. I didn't consider it to be a big deal because I knew that I was going on this overseas vacation with them and would be spending a great deal of time with them.
MIL came this past weekend on self invitation again of course. I am beginning to think that she thinks we would never invite her here or something. I didn't particularly want to see her, but she wanted to see her grandchildren, so fine. I suppose I reacted like I wasn't particularly enthused, because I wasn't, I wasn't interested in faking something that I wasn't feeling. anyway, she had been at my house for less than 24 hours when she makes this comment "and I can write in there stuff like don't be a woman's libber like your mother" hahaha, her stupid fake girlish laugh she hangs onto to disguise her true intent of being viciously mean to me.
of course, this is the kind of stuff she says all the time to me, though I would chalk it up to being one of her worst.
My MIL has raised children in a foreign country. that is what she has done with her life. I think part of her problem is that she sees her children as still possessions and that belong to her. I think she has enmeshment problems because she STILL tries to guilt my dh into doing things for her that please her and he made an interesting comment the other day to me to that affect "I have been guilted before and I won't be guilted anymore about this stuff".
I think it was a watershed moment for me as well when I heard him say that. I have been wool gathering for the past few years about my dh's childhood, from comments made by my MIL to comments that dh has made about his own childhood. I truly think that he felt abandoned, though he wouldn't express it that way. According to MIL he has been the one that has caused the most grief. I know he is stubborn and I know he can be hard to connect with and I know that in response to that, my MIL punished him because that was all she knew how to do. I don't think they had much of a relationship and I don't think they ever will. He can hardly tolerate her stupidity (niether can I quite frankly) and she constantly making idiotic statements to him trying to control him.
and I do come from a completely different paradigm of parenting than what she did. I believe in my relationship with my children and working to be cooperative with them as much as possible. I am in charge, and they know that, but I don't wish to use punishments as a deterrent for the next time around. I would rather teach them what is appropriate in that moment. I also see my children as autonomous human beings, not as extensions of myself, which I think is incredibly helpful to raising them and what I expect. that means I don't expect to be able to control them like I think my MIL still does.
so these are my thoughts. we need to get boundaries in place so I don't lose my mind. I am not sure if we are just going to implement them as I go or if we should write a letter. I am sure dh would be happy to go along and make peace at all costs. I am not really into that.
I have had issues with my MIL pretty much from day 1. at my wedding she exhibited bizarre, socially wierd behaviour. A few things that come to mind: she asked my mother if she could help, then when my mom was going to take her up on her offer to help, she retracted. She actually said "Candice said this was how much this was going to cost and this is our portion..."in front of all of my guests. I was completely embarassed.
I have seen her commit a number of fau paux over the years that I still cringe when I think of them. They do bother me. I don't find her very intelligent and she is so "mouse" like, yet she is not.
My MIL is WAY passive aggressive. I think its because she was taught that being angry was not an acceptable emotion for "ladies" to have. "nice" ladies didn't have anger, they stuffed it. and boy she is good at stuffing it.
A few wierd things that they have done to me since we married:
the first Christmas we spent at their house, they have this tradition of taking thier children out for breakfast to see how they are doing. I was pregnant with number 1, had no particular desire to spend any time with them, but the invitation was never extended to me and they took my dh out for dinner. weird and inappropriate. it seems that they have never seen us as our own family. even before children they never respected us as a couple with autonomy. It drove me crazy. dh reacted by telling them nothing at all about his life. I think that hurt my MILs feelings and was happy to have me filling her in. Now I have no desire to fill her in. in fact, I don't even want to talk to her.
The most recent events in our rocky relationship. They invited us overseas with them. I was unsure if I was willing to haul two small children on an 24 hour journey. I said I wasn't sure. My MIL proceeded to make a comment to the effect of "whether or not we will show up", in fact she managed to say this to me indirectly, not once, but twice. She also expressed displeasure at the fact that I was gone while they were here on one of their self invitation times, even though I stated that I had previously had other plans that might potentially take me away while they were here. I didn't consider it to be a big deal because I knew that I was going on this overseas vacation with them and would be spending a great deal of time with them.
MIL came this past weekend on self invitation again of course. I am beginning to think that she thinks we would never invite her here or something. I didn't particularly want to see her, but she wanted to see her grandchildren, so fine. I suppose I reacted like I wasn't particularly enthused, because I wasn't, I wasn't interested in faking something that I wasn't feeling. anyway, she had been at my house for less than 24 hours when she makes this comment "and I can write in there stuff like don't be a woman's libber like your mother" hahaha, her stupid fake girlish laugh she hangs onto to disguise her true intent of being viciously mean to me.
of course, this is the kind of stuff she says all the time to me, though I would chalk it up to being one of her worst.
My MIL has raised children in a foreign country. that is what she has done with her life. I think part of her problem is that she sees her children as still possessions and that belong to her. I think she has enmeshment problems because she STILL tries to guilt my dh into doing things for her that please her and he made an interesting comment the other day to me to that affect "I have been guilted before and I won't be guilted anymore about this stuff".
I think it was a watershed moment for me as well when I heard him say that. I have been wool gathering for the past few years about my dh's childhood, from comments made by my MIL to comments that dh has made about his own childhood. I truly think that he felt abandoned, though he wouldn't express it that way. According to MIL he has been the one that has caused the most grief. I know he is stubborn and I know he can be hard to connect with and I know that in response to that, my MIL punished him because that was all she knew how to do. I don't think they had much of a relationship and I don't think they ever will. He can hardly tolerate her stupidity (niether can I quite frankly) and she constantly making idiotic statements to him trying to control him.
and I do come from a completely different paradigm of parenting than what she did. I believe in my relationship with my children and working to be cooperative with them as much as possible. I am in charge, and they know that, but I don't wish to use punishments as a deterrent for the next time around. I would rather teach them what is appropriate in that moment. I also see my children as autonomous human beings, not as extensions of myself, which I think is incredibly helpful to raising them and what I expect. that means I don't expect to be able to control them like I think my MIL still does.
so these are my thoughts. we need to get boundaries in place so I don't lose my mind. I am not sure if we are just going to implement them as I go or if we should write a letter. I am sure dh would be happy to go along and make peace at all costs. I am not really into that.
posted by Candice | 8:35 AM
2 Comments:
As I have become a wife I have noticed that people sometimes ask us questions as though we are ONE person. While I understand and want for us to grow together, I very much want to still be an individual. I have never been "accused" a feminist. I think that this is because I very much enjoy the domestic side of life...cleaning, cooking, and I find laundry relaxing. However, I know many women who do not care for these things and they choose to focus on other area's....being accused of being feminist. I am sad that this word is an accusation because if being proud of your gender and teaching this to your children is a bad thing...then our future generation of young ladies will not be ones that we are proud of. I don’t know if what I am saying makes since...it does in my head...but what I am trying to tell you is this...Be 'feminist' but teach your beautiful daughters that not only are they beautiful women but that they are smart enough to do anything. I really believe that people who view feminism as bad (esp. other women) do so out of poor-self esteem. So when I tell you that you are a feminist I do so as a compliment to you!
I'm sorry to hear about your MIL woes but sure am glad to know I'm not the only one.
Misery loves company!! :- /
~HomeKeeper
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